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I hope you like these Funny quotes about life from the collection at Life Quotes and Sayings.
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Related topics: Cute Whimsey Cynical Romantic Love
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller 
Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields
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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.
- said by Shrek in the movie Shrek 2
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash
It's a funny thing about life;
if you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it.
- W. Somerset Maugham
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
To fall in love is awfully simple,
but to fall out of love is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson
All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
I didn't make it all the way through third grade for nothing.
- the movie The Rescuers Down Under
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
If he's first class, I'm traveling steerage.
- the movie Libeled Lady (1936)
I believe in equality for everyone,
except reporters and photographers.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Confucius might have said:
Once frightened, twice smelly in armpit.
- Anonymous humor
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
I've always believed that if done properly,
armed robbery doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience.
- the movie Thelma & Louise
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
It's cookies, he smells like cookies,
and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- the movie Michael
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea;
but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln
I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- the movie Simon Birch
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
What this country needs is a credit card for
charging things to experience.
- Tom Wilson
EVERYONE has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
- Harold and Maude (The movie )
She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen
We have always found the Irish a bit odd.
They refuse to be English.
- Winston Churchill
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to
criticize or attack the government of my own country.
I make up for lost time when I come home.
- Winston Churchill
The future ain't what it used to be.
- Yogi Berra
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors
Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Don't expect me to get excited over
another damn thing we need to find.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- the movie Tangled (2010)
I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted!
And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried
and smothered in chocolate.
- the movie Shrek 2
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill
I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields
It has been my experience that folks who
have no vices, have very few virtues.
- Abraham Lincoln
The ad agency's name for Hell is "Las Vegas."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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